Why ME?

I've not written a post for a bit, have had a lot going on & not been able to focus on writing.  Feeling rather emotional today & the fact my baby is turning 5 in just over a week is perhaps contributing to that.

Having a baby & getting to know this tiny person you have created should be one of the most exciting, happy times in someone's life.  Those precious early days, weeks & months should hold nothing but amazing memories.  For me though, as well as some very happy memories, the majority of what I remember was being very poorly. Not coping. Feeling like a failure.

It became apparent after a very short time that I was relapsing.  Although I had never been great, I had been at a certain level since being diagnosed with M.E in March 2003 (another reason I am maybe emotional as it is yet another year to add to the years of being ill. I always struggle around this time of year).  But within weeks it hit me how bad I had become & how quickly I had gone downhill. My husband works shifts but I was unable to get through a day without feeling horrendously wiped out & needing help as I didn't feel I could look after my baby safely.  I was beyond exhausted.  The fact my sleep had become a problem didn't help. Once I had done a night feed I couldn't get back to sleep.  So this was impacting on my M.E symptoms too.  My head felt like cotton wool.  I felt light headed & dizzy.  Totally wrecked.

I was having to ask people for help to come & sit with the baby so I could rest.  Family members used to take her out for me on a weekend if it fell on the shifts when he was working.  I hated the fact I was struggling so much.  Resented everyone else for being able to do the things I wanted to do.

I never imagined I would be so unwell. It became so bad & made everything very stressful.  My husband ended up having to get signed off work with stress as it was affecting him so much.  This wasn't how life was supposed to be.

I wasn't sleeping properly but also had no appetite whatsoever.  I was really irritable & just thought it was due to the situation.   But after eventually discussing with my doctor I was diagnosed with post natal depression.  It was a relief more than anything.   I had been depressed when I first got ill several years before but hadn't recognised it at all.  I was prescribed anti depressants & it wasn't long before I started feeling like "me" again.

The M.E symptoms however were well & truly there.  My doctor said we couldn't carry on like we were & suggested getting some help through adult social care.  As soon as you hear social services mentioned you panic & think your baby will be taken away but that couldn't be further from the truth.  I was assigned a social worker & had unbelievable support from the start.

Fast forward a few months & we had a care package put in place.  To help not only when my husband was at work but also to come & help in the house to take the pressure off.  It is a strange feeling knowing you are a grown woman with a child but you cannot manage without help. Ashamed, embarrassed, that feeling of being a failure again.  But if it meant we could live more of a normal life & I could spend my precious energy enjoying being with my baby then surely it was only a good thing ♡