M.E anniversary

Recently I've been feeling a little bit sad; which happens sometimes given all that life throws at me! However I've noticed I just haven't been feeling right and couldn't put my finger on it... until it dawned on me that it was March back in 2003 when I was diagnosed with M.E and I always seem to get sad each year at this time. 2003 is a long time ago and you would think I'd be used to it after so long but it appears not! 14 years is a long time to have been poorly. To have had "normal" life taken away from you.  To suffer each time you do anything remotely normal and to not remember how it feels to feel well. To not remember what it's like to wake up and feel refreshed.. oh that would be amazing! To actually be able to fall asleep in the first place (oh insomnia you are evil).  To feel trapped. To want to scream so loud (but not having the energy. Oh the irony!). The list goes on...

Today was a rough one.  After a rubbish night's sleep yet again, I woke up in a horrible mood and just felt really sad.  M.E is bad enough even without throwing insomnia into the mix and I never had problems sleeping until I became ill.  I was angry at my illness, frustrated at knowing it was another bad day before it had even begun (it's a bad one when I can tell before I've even got up!), upset at all the years I've been ill, wound up at everything all at once and the tears just flowed.

Sometimes it's good to have a cry no matter how draining it is.  I don't seem to cry too often these days which I'm surprised at really, but today I couldn't stop it.  My little girl then suddenly appeared and I tried to hide it but she knew.  She climbed up on to the bed and cuddled me.  Of course that just made me cry even more!  She asked why I was crying and I said I wasn't feeling too good and that it makes me sad sometimes. She gave me a pep talk!  She told me that I'm poorly and that it's ok and I needed to rest today. She said she's lucky I'm her mummy (more tears).  She wiped my tears and had me laughing within minutes. How crazy is that... that my almost 8 year old is often the one who changes my whole perspective on things. She really is amazing that girl.

The tears tricked me and had obviously decided they hadn't quite had enough and they came again later on. I luckily had the house to myself as I felt like I wanted to be on my own. Then my mum said she was on her way round and I realised how much I needed a mummy cuddle!  I burst into tears on her and she was just there when I needed her. We chatted and I felt so much better for talking to her. Plus she bought me daffodils and a This Works deep sleep stress less rollerball thing. It's not just my little girl who thinks she's lucky with her mummy :-)

I think I definitely needed to get it all out of my system.  I felt much better for it and spent the rest of the day chilling out. Listening to relaxation stuff, watching back to back episodes of the show I'm currently obsessed with and just feeling nice and calm.  As you know if you know me, I try to be positive a lot and I'll carry on being but it's ok to be sad. It's cathartic to cry.  A friend of mine said to me today "You spend so much time caring for and kindness for others despite being ill, I know you often forget you".  It made me stop and think and perhaps I don't spend enough time on looking after me.  Self care is important and I'm going to make sure I do it more.

I won't focus on the negative anymore as I feel I've dealt with it now.  I will be back to focusing on the happy stuff and the things I have to look forward to this year (did I mention I'm going to Disneyland Paris?!!!!!). Little Miss is 8 in a few weeks so I'll be spending some time thinking about how lucky I am to have her.  Because I really really am.

Ali xx

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