Fear factor

My baby was going to arrive at any time. Which for any woman I imagine is an exciting, anxious & scary time. However add suffering from ME into the mix & it makes it all a whole lot scarier.

Throughout my pregnancy, as well as the excitement that I was going to have a baby, many times I totally doubted myself & my ability to be a good mum. How would I take my baby for walks in the pram when I could hardly walk? How would I be able to do "normal" things with her? Basicially I knew I wouldn't be able to.

Deciding to have a baby while suffering from ME was a tough decision. But I knew I would be unhappier not having one than having one. And I knew, despite my limitations, that I would be the best mummy I could & would love my baby unconditionally.  I knew I had good support from my husband, who worked shifts, and from family. I felt that having a baby would make me feel like I had a purpose, a reason for being here.

The emotional rollercoaster I had been on since being diagnosed with ME in 2003 was epic. The way you grieve the 'old you'. The way everything you loved doing before is taken away from you. All the little things you took for granted you cannot do anymore.  Accepting you can no longer do any of these things without having a huge impact on your health is extremely difficult to deal with.

Many times I felt like there was no point in me being here anymore.  I had gone from working in a job I loved, having a good social life & going to the gym regularly, to being a complete shell of myself.  I felt pretty useless. What was the point?

So the decision to have a baby was not taken lightly.  My health had been at the same level for a few years.  I was no longer housebound & could manage to do stuff in small doses.  I had been seeing an Occupaional Therapist at the ME clinic for a few years & getting lots of advice regarding coping with the condition.

My niece had been born the previous year, exactly a year before my baby was due. Which meant lots of practice! And the love I felt for her I was immense so I couldn't wait to have my own baby to love & care for.

So my due date was here and nothing happened. I just accepted that it wasn't happening yet & tried to keep myself occupied.  I went to bed that night & couldn't sleep. No pains but I just felt really strange...

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